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Past European Tournaments


Kid Chameleon Editor


Updated: 3rd April 2012

Legal Disclaimer: Pursuant to this article and any attempt at actions in defamation we would submit the following as our defence:
(1) None of the people within this article have reputations worthy of damaging.
(2) All comments are fair; if you practiced more on Mega Drive you wouldn't be subject to this article.
(3) Everything within this article is true - even the exaggerations.
Over the past eleven-years we have seen numerous people pick up their controllers to contest for 16-bit glory. As can be imagined, the mental state of a group of people participating in a competition based upon an archaic video games console, run by megalomaniacs who consider the contest to be more about caffeine than consoles, generally borders upon insanity, however, some of the former members of the Mega Drive Championships have truly amazing stories. This is their legacy:

Chaplain Womersley finished a respectable third place in Division Two at his first attempt and confessed to enjoying the competition enormously. Off the Mega Drive, most members content themselves with visiting the buffet, collecting the occasional coffee, watching their opponents and rivals battle on their fixtures, however, Chaplain Womersley spent the competition performing t'ai chi and sparring with some kickboxing moves against Old Spice Lock. Similar antics have not been seen since the 15th Tournament. Chaplain Womersley promised frequently and passionately that he would attend a future Mega Drive event... The last we heard of Chaplain Womersley was he was "back on the drugs" and "going to Cornwall to find God", Cornwall being a well known tourist destination could well herald an attractive holiday retreat for our Lord: we wish Chaplain Womersley luck in his quest.

Most members of the Mega Drive Championship live in a reasonable geographical radius of about five miles from the competitions, a good number fall within a five minute walk and a good minority of these struggle to make it to the competition on time, if at all, in spite of numerous pledges to the contrary. Dame Yada, however, heralds of California (which is obviously in the United States) which, at a rough estimate, is somewhere between 5,000 miles and 6,000. If this distance wasn't bizarre enough, Dame Yada attended two Mega Drive Championships: the 14th and 17th. Her performances saw her finish last at the 14th and second to last at the 17th; Dame Yada was considerably more impressive on the piano than on the Mega Drive. Dame Yada possessed great passion and laughter for many of the offensively bad titles played in Division Two and confessed to a love/hate relationship with Micro Machines, which she claimed to be "horrible" at.

Another renegade from the United States who seemed to hate the tournaments even before he arrived. Refusing to attend unless provided transportation from his house, when the transport arrived he was asleep and begrudgingly crawled from his bed to honour his attendance promise. Sneering upon the tournament tradition of picking a honoury title, he opted for his own name, which was accepted because his surname was stupid. His performance was mediocre, although the awesomeness of the tournament occasionally caused a smile to slip past his exterior of utter contempt, except in the Super Hang On challenge. David Wyvern gave the best performance of the day to win the competition and earn a trophy. He seemed nonchalantly inconvenient by his triumph. Ignoring tournament protocol that trophies are returned and passed to the next winner, David Wyvern proceeded to remove the trophy from our reaches and it now resides in the United States. If anybody sees this man; he owes us a trophy or its cash value equivalent.

Emperor Tebbs has had the most success of anybody listed in this article: Earning promotion to Division One at the 21st Championship he finished bottom of the upper league and earned himself a drop back into obscurity... well he would have done if he bothered to attend the following tournament. In spite of battling in two tournaments (hell most people don't even make it to one tournament) Emperor Tebbs must be regarded as one of the most anonymous members to have participated, the irony being that Emperor Tebbs recorded the majority of the 21st and 22nd Mega Drive Championships. Standing behind him camera he proceeded to scrutinize the entire day’s events, pausing only to fulfil his fixtures. The 22nd Tournament even saw him bring along a soundman. Who was this mysterious soundman? Nobody has any idea. Did we receive a copy of either of Emperor Tebb's videos? Nope!

The story of General Pink has been recalled numerous times on this site. The 'one game wonder' joined at the Tenth Tournament against an anticipated line-up of Doc Shakib, Private Mary and Professor Mizutani, however, his first foray was in the Tournament Knockout where he faced Division One newboy, Sir Jackaman, on the awful World Cup Italia '90. General Pink scored a resounding 10-6 victory over his higher league counterpart. General Pink’s true ability, however, will never be known. After this game he failed to attend either the Division Two competition or his Semi-Final Knockout clash against Lord Dilks. General Pink possesses the only 100% winning record in the Mega Drive Championships.

General Pink told me that I would be 'killed' if I put this photo on-line...

Threats of death were made
should this picture ever appear on-line...

Although he never actually played in the Mega Drive Championships, it was anticipated that Judge Jakubriak would join the 18th Mega Drive Championship. Most members in this list can be despaired of because they attended; Judge Jakubriak is despaired of because he never attended. If you took the passion present in both The Plumb and Professor King and doubled it, you would have just a fraction of the passion Judge Jakubriak displayed for friendly games on Sensible Soccer. For a man who was in raptures for dispatching enemies on Streets of Rage 3 with "consummate ease" it was lamentable that, for whatever reason, Judge Jakubriak never picked up his controller in the heat of 16-bit battle to beat his challengers into a pulp.


Old Spice Lock has left a lasting legacy with the Mega Drive Championships: his very name is synonymous with tosh, low scoring and defeat! He emerged for the 15th Mega Drive Championship and accumulated 0-points in the league and was eliminated from Round 1 of both the Challenge and Knockout competitions. Seemingly a gluten for punishment, Old Spice Lock returned for the 16th Mega Drive Championship to achieve the same result: 0-points in the league and was eliminated from Round 1 of both the Challenge and Knockout competitions! Testament to Old Spice Lock's determination, he returned to the 17th Mega Drive Championship and broke his twenty-game losing streak with a draw against Dame Yada on Sonic the Hedgehog 2. He added four further points to his tally before retiring from the competitions at the end of the 18th. Leaving lasting legacy from a Mega Drive loser!

Every generation of Mega Drive competitors has a whipping boy. Private Mary joined the Mega Drive Championships at the 9th for the new Division Two competition and promptly displayed his incompetence by losing his first six tournament games. A draw and a victory amounted to a total of 4-points before a victory in the Tournament Knockout propelled him into the Semi-Finals. So, it was with raised eyebrows that we wondered how Private Mary would perform in an expanded Division Two at the 10th Tournament. This question will forever remain unanswered. After twice re-arranging the Division Two leg of the 10th Championship to accommodate Private Mary's schedule, he disappeared on holiday and his membership was promptly withdrawn. Occasionally rumours emerge that Private Mary might be rejoining the Mega Drive Championships, but fortunately this has yet to materialise.