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OLD SPICE LOCK - TOURNAMENTAL TRIBUTE

3rd April 2009

On the 8th January 2009, eight years to the day that the Mega Drive Championships were founded, a little part of them died. Old Spice Lock, who had been participating in the competitions since the Fifteenth Tournament announced he would be leaving the contests in favour of spending more time in the warmth of his home with his wife. While some may say Old Spice Lock has his priorities right and others would perhaps accuse him of being spineless for adopting Guile's mantra of going home to be a family man, one thing all parties can agree on: Old Spice Lock was a tournament legend.

Whipping boys have been a recurring theme throughout the history of the Mega Drive Championships. The original was Captain Maltby, who struggled from the second to fifth tournaments, hampered by an unchanging, unforgiving, predictable system, he held the bottom spot in every tournament he participated, gathering just four wins and two draws from sixty games, before deciding enough was enough. Yet the Captain Maltby saga had a happy ending and he returned at the Thirteenth Championship to a greatly changed competition and established himself in Division One from the fifteenth to eighteenth tournaments, winning the Tournament Knockout once as well. He represented Team England at the 2007 Anglo-Irish Mega Drive Tournament and will have aspirations of returning to the nation team for the 2009 European Mega Drive Championship. He was also able to secure a memorable first victory on World Cup Italia '90 at the Fifteenth Championship.

Private Mary was the next member who became renowned as a whipping boy. In spite of only participating in the Ninth Championship, his performance in the inaugural Division Two was so poor that he was classed as the worst tournament player until the arrival of Old Spice Lock. One win on NBA Jam and a draw on European Club Soccer, both against Professor Mizutani, gifted Private Mary an unimpressive four-point total. He earned himself a brief chance at glory when he once again beat Professor Mizutani, this time in the first Tournament Knockout, which put him into a Streets of Rage 2 Semi-Final game against Sir Jackaman. Although Private Mary, playing as Blaze, took the lead, Sir Jackaman, as Axel, won the next two rounds in order to book his place in the final. Private Mary disappeared into the ether after the Ninth Tournament, but, in spite of this, for some wholly unknown reason, he is still held in fond regard in tournament circles.

Old Spice Lock is arguably the best of the worst of the tournament whipping boys. Actually, to refer to Old Spice as a "boy" is perhaps a disservice, as he is the oldest player ever to participate in the English Mega Drive Championships. But, after 2˝ years of being affiliated with the Mega Drive Championships, his record speaks for itself: Five tournaments entered, sixty-four games played, six wins, two draws and fifty-six defeats. In percentage terms, that’s less than 10% of his games finishing in victory. Statistically Old Spice Lock has the worst record of any tournament member.

For his first two tournaments Old Spice Lock amassed a grand total of zero-points. It was once quipped that there was a parallel dimension somewhere filled with Old Spice Locks playing each other on the Mega Drive and none of them able to win. Yet over the years his experience improved the quality of his defeats until, at the Seventeenth Tournament, Old Spice Lock recorded his first victory: Professor King was the casualty in the Challenge Trophy, as Old Spice's Jetta battered a lacklustre Trident 2-0. Eternal Champions would prove to be Old Spice's most bountiful game in the elusive pursuit of points, with three of his six tournaments wins occurring on that game. Old Spice Lock secured his first league points at the Seventeenth Mega Drive Championship with a draw on Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and a victory on Eternal Champions in the final fixture of the competition, securing him a unprecedented three-points, although still a last place finish.

It was not until his final tournament that Old Spice Lock would be elevated above the bottom spot, albeit on a technicality. Having scored two-points at the Eighteenth Championship, forfeited games on the parts of Liam Forrest Esquire and The Plumb deducted points from their totals, allowing Old Spice to leap up into a fifth place finish, just three-points behind Ambassador Greaves, although for Old Spice Lock three-points might as well have been thirty. Old Spice Lock personified his abilities in the Sonic the Hedgehog Challenge at the Nineteenth Mega Drive Championship when, after leaping over the first Motobug, he died by running into the Masher on the first bridge - laughter from Old Spice followed and his audience laughed with/at him.

While it is fair to say most of his games were anonymous drubbings where his opponents rubbed their hands together at the prospect of two easy points, Old Spice Lock's finest performance came at the Eighteenth Mega Drive Championship when he faced Reverend Doyle on Eternal Champions. In a fantastically tight fight the pair tussled, with Reverend Doyle playing a tactical defensive style and the scoreline at 1-1 it was an awesomelly impromptu special move that caused Old Spice's Larcen to use his grappling hook on the ceiling and swing the full length of the screen to KO Reverend Doyle and secure himself two-points.

But with the ending of the Nineteenth Mega Drive Championship the time came to say goodbye. After a small speech from Mr Smith and a hearty round of applause for the man who "makes you all look brilliant" Old Spice Lock ascended the stage to be presented with a special commemorative spatula. There were some chuckles and more clapping as Old Spice made his curtain call and delivered his farewell to the hall, which had been the scene of many glorious games. From Martial Arts at the Fifteenth to Mexican Waves at the Seventeenth it was clear that these caffeine-fuelled evenings of irrelevant button bashing had been fun!