PEARLS FROM THE THE PLUMB

19th July 2011

EDITION THREE: THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!

So, it’s that time of year again. The sun has had its precious few days of warming us, the rain is beginning to set in for the summer, and finally the inbox has chimed with an e-mail we have all been waiting for. Battle is set to commence. The bloodlust, the thirst for victory, the envy at the winners, the heinous gloating over the losers, it is all there, ready to be sampled once more.

In this, the alternative preview of the 23rd Mega Drive Championship (The glorious 10th anniversary or something) I will take you inside the preparation for the games themselves, and reveal what awaits on the big day... Then I will probably not do anything following the event as I will be so mardy [English Midland slang for being upset and stroppy – Admin] having not won anything again I won’t want to discuss it.

So, what is there to look forward to? Well, Bramcote Memorial hall will once again be flooded with poor unusual types hoping for a taste of glory. But before that, the real work begins… I normally arrive at the arena about half an hour before the start time. Usually the place is deserted. Except maybe for a yoga class or something, finishing up in the hall. Some of the other peoples turn up with crates full of crappy old TVs and even crappier old consoles, then my favourite part ensues… wiring up said crappy equipment. There is one 13A socket in the hall, and we usually end up daisy chaining about 5 multi adaptors to it. Every year I promise to bring an RCD for electrical protection to the following event, and every year I forget. The table is laid with the games of the tournament, the fixtures pinned to the wall, the buffet is spread, the Jaffa cakes thrown at Holbrook, the coffee is brewed and the games may begin. Once the wall of snowy tv screens have been tweaked to display the glorious colour image of ‘SEGA’ that is.

Then its onto the games:

Alien Storm (Division 2) – or Alan Storm as it is more commonly called. This is a travesty of a fighting game in which a demented robot, some kinky chick, or a standard top heavy dude duke it out in one on one battle. They use whips and laser gun thingys and you can run and jump. The rest escapes me.

Ball Jacks (Divisions 1 and 2) – what the hell? Ok so one hot night in Tokyo, some Japanese games programmers were smoking crack and one says to the other “Here it is… Crabs, that grab balls!” the other says “That’s fucking genius that is!” and Ball Jacks was born. It has no point. It has no rules or reason. Things explode at random then someone is announced winner. Usually the least bewildered of the two players.

Columns (Divisions 1 and 2) – Gah, this game requires far too much planning and thought. Me... umm... kick ball in... umm... net!

Eternal Champions (Division 2) – Ahh the game on which I won the cup. What a game! Well, actually I have no idea. It's actually a shit version of Street Fighter with weapons and stuff. Luckily my jump, duck and turbo finger strategy is enough to scrape by.

European Club Soccer (Knockout Only) – although I never have played this in tournament conditions, it remains a favourite on which I whiled away many an hour as a young 'un. My memory is hazy, but I think you can score from the by line, [You cannot - Admin] which is crazy!

Golden Axe 2 (Division 1) – so there’s a dwarf and he has an axe. It’s a fighting game. You beat people up to win, you get beat up to lose.

Marble Madness (Division 2) – yay another random game with no real purpose. You roll a round thing down a track. Nothing of note happens.

Mega Bomberman (Divisions 1 and 2) – I've said it before and I’ll say it again; there is nothing mega about Bomberman! Actually I don’t mind this one too much. It’s a fun romp of a game, but Im sure The Admin will confirm my record is nowhere near as good as I think it is…

Micro Machines: Military (Division 1) – Yay, the two Micro Machines games! This one has guns and stuff. See below for more.

Micro Machines 96 (Division 2) – little cars buzz round a track and some weird and confusing scoring system comes into play, in which the person who wins the race can actually lose the game. Why??? [The players draw if the score is tied at the end of the third lap - Admin]

NBA Jam (Knockout Only) – another masterpiece sadly lacking in the Division One game pool. I used to love this game of 2 on 2 action, with its funky sound track and cliché commentary. Wish I could play it more often.

NHL '97 (Division 2) – Now this is a game I enjoy. It's slow, it's confusing to those who don’t get ice hockey, but its not a bad game if you think of it as football played on ice... with sticks... and without a ball.

Pete Sampras Tennis (Division 1) – the slug fest. The general idea of this game is to wear your opponent down into submission by whacking the ball back and forth until your eyes bleed. I once played it twice on the trot. True story.

Primal Rage (Knockout Only) – I think this is some random fighting game involving dinosaurs and stuff.

Road Rash 3 – motorbikes and fighting. We all love it. Sure it is as responsiveness as trying to get a student out of bed, the graphics are arse and you need to be able to see the future to play it, but hey, we love it.

Sensible Soccer (Division 2) – do I really need to get into this?

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (Divisions 1 and 2) – NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Sonic 3 (Division 2) – Why? Why do it to me again!!!!! I mean I played it a lot as a kid, I remember the Christmas I got my first CD player, playing sonic 2 to a backdrop of Megadeth, I think I even finished the games, but I'm sure I hated every single moment.

Streets of Rage 2 (Division 2) – Plenty of good memories of playing the 2 player full game with my brother here, and its just as good in 2 player Vs mode. There's two guys and a girl if memory serves [and a kid - Admin], and its general fighting, with a madly top heavy guy beating folk up and weapons.

Streets of Rage 3 (Division 1) – More of the same really, but some genius decided to put Gary Coleman in the game. Awsome!

Super Street Fighter 2 (Division 1) – The old classic. Take the Brazillian monster thing [Blanka - Admin] and hammer one button as fast as possible. It might not be pretty, but it’s a laugh.

Virtua Racing (Division 1) – There's polygons the size of gorillas on this game. The car is tiny, the track is enourmous, the handling is terrible and the acceleration doesn’t really do anything. Oh and theres a bridge on the track.

World Cup Italia '90 (Division 1) – They kick a bag of meat around! Or at least that’s how it sounds. Its like a game between Chile and Argentina, and it’s a shame there isn’t blood to accompany the insane tackles on this game. Players lie dead on the pitch as others hack the back of meat around the pitch. And I thought Street Fighter was bad!

WWF Super Wrestlemania (Knockout Only) – The first game I ever played at a tournament. Yeah, it's pretty crap, but since it involves hammering the hell out of the buttons, it's one where I can win from time to time. Good times…

I think the overall winner will be Doc Shakib, I see a return to glory for him.
Also, Division 2 should beware The Goat.